Adam Fletcher customer service in Germany

Adam Fletcher is a British writer who moved to Germany and wrote comic but vital notes about German culture. And here is the translation of one of them from the book “Make me German” (“Make me German”).

Customers are considered complete fools who only dare to exhale carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Naturally, this statement is partially exaggerated.

Let’s analyze several sides of the medal: from the point of view of the client and from the point of view of the employee.
Staff in terms of customers.

I consider visitors not as people who bring in money, from which workers are paid wages, but as hot potatoes, which suddenly hit the pants: “AAAAAAA, we have a buyer here! How did he get here ?! Need to quickly get rid of it! Anyway, on his wishes! ” If he does not leave and continues to ask his questions (the greatest torture), then there are such methods:

Facial expression.

“What do you want from me? Don’t you see my face? I will look at you like that until you leave or turn into a stone. In my heart only contempt for you! Joke. I have no heart. But this is the only joke for today. ”

“You are mistaken”.

– I beg your pardon, I’m looking for …

– You got the wrong place.

– But I have not even finished.

– Does not matter. This is not a reference.

– Isn’t it the information department?

– No, this is a further distribution department.

“Where is your ID?”

“Do you need a USB cable? No problem! Allow me to ask for your USB-Gerätbenutzungsschein (certificate for using a USB device). Oh, you do not have it? Not a problem, go to room number 8264.8274С for the necessary documents. The office is open from 12:10 to 12:15. Good luck! ”

It seems that the staff has unlimited power, but there are ways to anger them, irritate and confuse them. It does not lead you to the goal, but amuse.

All Germans hate to face uncertainty: “uh, what kind of marmalade would you recommend to a person who doesn’t know much about marmalade?” Or “I need some kind of thing to repair these semi-circular pieces of wood or glass”.
Put more questions, behave like a three year old. Talk about yourself: “The weather today is necessary, right? Oh, and did you see this legendary program on TV yesterday? Are you for Bavaria or Dortmund? ”
Many employees are required to wear name tags, so why not take advantage of this? “Frau Huber, how are you?” I am going today and wondering if not today the change of my beloved Frau Huber? Can I call you Hubi? ”
Ask for water from the tap. It angers the workers, who immediately sell the drinks for 2.50 euros. But it does not interest you, no one will pull you money for a glass of water. Or do you die of thirst?

Next, let’s talk about how the client looks on the other side of the counter. For an employee who works with visitors, a person is a natural enemy. Instead of spending 5 minutes of time and seeing everything on the Internet, a person declares to the store and starts asking questions!
Customer in terms of staff.

Customers think they are the most important.

The staff has a lot of responsibilities: working with the cash register, responding to e-mails, placing things on the shelves, and going into the onlooker’s shop is not the main duty, but only a distraction.

Customers think that the worker knows something.

“If I stand behind the counter with cheese, should I know everything about cheese? Here is a customer with a shopping trolley. So what? Is he now an expert in carts? No, this is just a tool, and for me work is only a tool to earn money! ”

The client thinks only about their desires.

“Having desires is a luxury. Are you interested in my ridiculous salary? Or my passing the sail management test this Saturday? No, nobody pays for your interests! ”

How to piss off customers? On the head with them, unfortunately, not to push.

You don’t have to be polite. Yes, there is an obligatory set of courtesy phrases that need to be uttered, but they can be done in one breath: “GET EFFECT OF EUROPEAN GOOD!”.
The client must understand that it is not important. The phrases are perfect: “I don’t have time” or “you don’t see that I’m busy?”. And in combination with an empty table, on which only the newspaper, they sound gorgeous.
Be the lord of time. If the client is in a hurry, be slow, and if he wants to chat, let him go as soon as possible.
If suddenly you were asked for tap water (!), You have such options:

– flatly refuse;

– Fill the saaaaamy small vessel and serve the visitor with a friendly laugh;

– Give a glass of water and leave him to burn with shame that he destroys the whole industry with his gastro-terrorism.

Here is such an ironic review of customer service in Germany. We hope this format will help you understand German life.